When Eve ate the apple from the Tree of Knowledge, she swallowed some seeds which have since passed from person to person in the form of evaluating experiences, ideas, and others as good or bad.
At its loftiest application, scrutinizing becomes “critical thinking” framed within impartial, open, and systematic constructs that lean toward improvement and growth and away from its egocentric, manipulative, and harmful counter form commonly known as “criticism” (that sentence was a larger mouthful than that apple).
In any case, let’s not cast blame on Eve since blame merely thrusts us into powerless victims. Besides, I can’t say with certainty that she did in fact pass these seeds along -- only that human beings share a common trait of judging.
Bottom line, most of us view and listen with filters and checklists of agreement or rejection which can lead to an inflated and misguided sense of superiority and closed-mindedness. Busily at work to protect, the ego is eager to convince us that our viewpoints are the correct viewpoints, and those who don’t agree or do things the way we do them are simply wrong or misguided.
Like an English teacher with a red pen staring down a misspelled word or absent comma, the compulsion to correct what’s “incorrect” seems irrepressible.
But beware: voicing our preferences or opinions in a way that is condescending, disapproving, or belittling, transforms them into harsh criticism as opposed to well-intended suggestions. Criticism is not endearing! It creates a divide, discomfort, and distrust.
In relationships, it’s important to think about the impact of our words and actions as well as the feelings we are generating in the other person. Ask yourself: Is what I’m about to say, or the way in which I am about to say it, helpful or hurtful? Is it leading toward understanding or dissension?
Some may think, “Why do I have to pussyfoot around others? I’m being honest, and they shouldn’t be so sensitive.”
To that I would say, “know your audience.” Words can inspire. Words can wound. They can fall like a welcoming soft rain on wilting wildflowers or crush a heart as easily as a tin can in a car crusher. What you say to a friend and how you say it may not be the best way for a loved one or child.
Your words matter to loved ones, because you matter to them.
Being in a relationship comes with a modicum of vulnerability: here’s my heart, treat it kindly. I’m giving it to you because you seem like a great person who genuinely likes and loves me. Speak softly and throw away that big stick.
The fine print often reads: don’t disagree with me or point out things in me you don’t like… which is about as realistic as a diver covered in chum passing through a school of bull sharks at dusk.
Disagreements are inevitable, even among fraternal twins, so certainly don’t expect a carbon copy of your habits and opinions in friends and lovers who didn’t share the same womb or home.
The latter part of the fine print -- don’t point out what you don’t like about me -- is optional and advisable. The focus is best kept on behavior not the person. For example, “You suck at communicating. Why can’t you stop being a cold fish and just talk instead of making me guess at why you’re upset with me?” Why indeed.
Less insulting: “I’d really like to know why you’re upset with me so that we can fix it and get back to feeling good around each other.”
Yes, I can hear the scoffs and snickers…because to many, this may sound like a textbook rather than a real dialogue.
However, if your goal is to keep your relationships robust and happy, learning some textbook dialogue may have a positive influence on your relationships. There’s a fine line between destructive and constructive criticism that often determines the longevity of a romantic relationship as well as the permeation of good feelings in any relationship.
And the reality is that most of us didn’t grow up with textbook parents.
So what’s the difference between constructive and destructive criticism?
Destructive criticism attaches judgment to the message. It adds a belittling label that suggests the person is defective. Constructive criticism is a suggestion for improvement.
Suggestions and opinions are not decrees so it doesn’t mean your friend or partner will switch to your suggestion or agree with you. Additionally, just because you’re giving a suggestion, doesn’t mean it will go over well. There are several points to keep in mind when delivering “constructive criticism,” an opinion or a preference:
1. How the message is presented – watch your tone. Make sure that you aren’t sounding condescending, parental, or impatient. Think about the wording.
2. When the message is presented – read your partner. If s/he is tired, hungry, frustrated, it’s not the right time. If you are working as a team on a project with good discourse, or you just had a good laugh or did something fun together, your partner is more likely to be receptive.
3. The frequency of your “suggestions” – too many “suggestions” are likely to make the other person question if you see them as competent, or worse, if you even like who they are since you keep wanting them to do or think differently.
Although the above tips may seem quite obvious and simple, often they are ignored by our sense of urgency, possibly a need to feel superior or in control, displaced frustration from life, or as a tug of war challenge that erupts from other deeper relationship issues (which is best left to actual couples counseling sessions).
Since you’re the one reading this, the suggestions are for you – what you control – not about your friend or partner’s reactions. Like many interactions in life, our first reaction isn’t always best. Our impulse to correct may not be in our relationship’s best interest. Like so many impulses, we need to pause and look at the bigger picture.
Pause.
And reflect:
How important is my suggestion?
If the suggestion or preference isn’t very critical, maybe it doesn’t need to occur.
What is my motive for the suggestion?
If the suggestion is only because I think my way is better, then perhaps it’s best to let my friend or partner do it their way. Will it really matter how it’s done or how long it takes? If it’s a time-saving method, simply ask, “I know a quicker way to do that. Would you like me to show you?”
Do I think my partner is open to hearing a suggestion or do I need to save this for another time?
Again, timing and recognizing the mood of your partner are crucial and can be the difference between a closed mind or genuine consideration. Holding that thought may mean holding on to a peaceful day in the Garden of Eden rather than a hot day in the Sahara without shade (or southern Florida without air conditioning).
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