There are many people who believe that seeking counseling means you’re weak. They will brace themselves, gritted teeth and body tense, against the tough times in their lives. To them, they must get through what ails them alone since no one can instantaneously take away their pain. Because they are the person feeling the emotional distress, they can’t imagine how sharing their woes or discussing them with someone else helps.
As a therapist, I have had many clients who have felt relief just from opening up about their painful experiences which they kept locked inside, sometimes for years.
While it’s true that discussing experiences, thoughts, and feelings is one piece of therapy, it’s not the whole. Therapy aims to help a person work through what’s happened or happening to avoid getting stuck in a place that continues to cause pain. It’s about identifying patterns of thoughts and beliefs that keep someone trapped in a loop of distress, anger, sadness, or unwanted behaviors and then moving forward in a way that builds insight, peace, and healthy life management skills.
Therapy is about changing one's inner landscape.
At some point everyone experiences difficult times: loss, frustration, and thwarted expectations. Each of these occurrences comes with a different depth of pain -- some experiences hurt more than others.
There are many factors that determine how someone will navigate their inner world through life challenges: how the brain is wired organically as well as from habitual reactions, family modeling and environment, cultural and religious beliefs, frequency of positive vs negative experiences, traumatic events and processing of those events, self-regard, inner dialogue, and connection to others.
If you watched the Aaron Hernandez story on Netflix, then you saw a great example of how a variety of life factors came together to create the "perfect storm" to what appeared to be the attainment of a dream come true: an emotionally and physically volatile household; a dad who was feared and loved and demanded strict athletic discipline; inner turmoil regarding sexuality in a culture that didn’t permit acceptance of homosexuality; loss of a parent and a quick replacement of that parent with someone new with little or no communication between parent and child; poor choice of peers to replace feelings of loss; drugs; and trauma to the brain from football.
This story exemplifies the misconception that being tough or “biting the bullet" results in mental strength and happiness. A person can attempt to push themselves through emotional duress, but it doesn’t mean they are acting in their own best interest or that their outer world reveals what’s happening on the inside.
Often, we can recognize that we’re stuck but don’t know how to free ourselves. That’s where a counselor comes in.
If your car has an issue and you don’t know how to fix it, you go to a mechanic. If a DIY project suddenly becomes too complicated and the YouTube videos aren’t helping you figure out your next steps, you call the appropriate professional. When a CEO uses advisers or asks employees for ideas, it’s not a sign of weakness but often considered the smart thing to do. After all, no one is an expert in all things. When you feel overwhelmed by recurring thoughts or emotions, it may be time to call a counselor.
The reality is that we all must endure uncomfortable emotions and events that derail our happiness and activities from time to time – such is life -- like it or not likely in those moments.
Each of us has a breaking point and where it sits isn’t fixed. “Strength” as defined by the online dictionary OneLook includes “the ability of something to support a force or weight without breaking.”
It therefore seems wise to identify when that break is near rather than wait until it’s arrived.
Know the signs when you're near your breaking point
Below are some tips to recognize your breaking point. These feelings, thoughts and behaviors are usually pervasive through time (days, weeks or months) and don’t seem to fluctuate; they may even intensify as time passes. They can include some or all of these:
Feelings of sadness, anger, blame, shame, hopelessness, helplessness, tears or incessant thoughts that don’t go away even when doing activities that you normally enjoy
Isolation
Irritation with others, particularly with those whose company you normally enjoy; an increase in arguments
Overindulgence in alcohol, drugs, food, video games, tv, porn, sex, or sleep
Engaging in new bad behaviors that you normally wouldn’t do
Aggressive focus on getting or doing what you want regardless of its impact on others or yourself
Feelings of losing control of your emotions, thoughts, life, or ability to manage your life
Feeling like you’re going through the motions but you’re either not present or willingly participating
More Points to Consider:
Are my emotions proportionate to the situation? Are they remaining the same through time or intensifying? Am I on autopilot rather than managing my thoughts, feelings and behavior?
How long do I want to remain in these emotions? Track your feelings over two weeks to see if they are improving (fluctuating at the very least). If they are, and they don’t return with the same intensity, then you likely have weathered the pain. If not, then…
Is it time for me to consider getting help from a counselor? Do I want to make the choice to improve my feelings and situation or would I rather let my emotions run my life?
Your mental health is vital to your success and satisfaction -- for making good decisions and functioning well in all areas of your life: work or school, in relationships, in yourself.
For too long, as a society, we have viewed mental health as an either/or concept: either you are well or you're not. The reality is that mental health exists on a fluctuating continuum. Therapy is about optimizing emotional and cognitive health in good and difficult times.
After all, strength is found not only in facing our challenges but in how we face them.
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